i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
