i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
