Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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