dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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