U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
