The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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