You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
