i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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