So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
