Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I did not marry a roomba.
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