Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
