Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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