in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
