...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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