The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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