as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
