i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
