Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
