our cab driver is having phone sex.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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