You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
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