I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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