Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
