I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
