I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
