I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
