omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
our cab driver is having phone sex.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
