My liver just broke up with me...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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