You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
