He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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