The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
