Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
