just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
