I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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