So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I faked an abortion last night.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
