I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The power of my boobs compel you
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
