I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
