Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
