I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
