I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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