My room smells like vodka and shame
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
