so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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