I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
