last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize