my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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