Your mouth is God's brothel.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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