operation harelip BJ is a go
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
