I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i drank out of a bidet.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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