Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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