1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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