Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
