we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
