The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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