but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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