dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
